s well as being a town in Hawaii, a haiku is a concise and strictly structured Japanese form of poetry. Each haiku consists of three lines with a set number of syllables—the first line five, the second seven, and the third with five again. (Technically speaking a haiku is actually broken into morae rather than syllables—the two do not fully correspond in translation though, so for our purposes syllables will do nicely.) The brevity and form of a haiku makes it a powerful and simplistic writing tool, often very beautiful and touched with wisdom. We at Stylus love the haiku (if Southall was allowed, all his reviews would be written in haikai no renga) and because we love this magical, ancient and beauteous form so much, we have chosen to debase it by offering an alternative, rather contrived review of some of the records from this year that we’ve been inspired or disgusted by. Inspired or disgusted enough to write a tiny verse about, anyway.

Authorship shall remain anonymous, to protect those of us with too much spare time, who consequently wrote dozens.

Liars - Liars
Should've stayed with Karen,
Angus. The two of you could've
bored us together

Lil' Wayne - Da Drought 3
Okay already,
Here's your five mics, just please stop
with the eyelid tats

Kanye West - Can't Tell Me Nothin'
Daft Punk is playing
at his house. Pass the sizzurp
please, Peter Bjorn and John.

LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver
Have you wondered, James,
if it is in fact you who's
bringing New York down?

Simian Mobile Disco - Attack Decay Sustain Release
If Ed Banger was
the Jacksons, Simian would
be Jermaine, no doubt

Common - Finding Forever
Dilla appeared to
me, at the end of the tunnel;
he called you "Pussy."

T.I. - T.I. vs. T.I.P.
Two T.I.s better
than one? You know what it is:
say big sales stoppin

Apples In Stereo - New Magnetic Wonder
First record in five
years! Did Jeff Magnum play on
anything? We'll pass.

Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?
Face it, Robert. They
only care about us. Now
where are my fishnets?

New Young Pony Club - Fantastic Playroom
Give me the bag of
blow now, and I'll pay with the
trophy when we win.

Devin the Dude - Waitin' to Inhale
This dick is so clean
it'd probably go good with
broccoli and cheese

Amerie - Because I Love It
Here's this one thing that's
got me trippin’: where's the
damn U.S. release?

M.I.A. - Kala
New Order, The Clash,
Pixies...I'm pretty sure this
will sweep Pazz & Jop

Battles - Mirrored
Wim oweh ah wim
oweh ah wim oweh ah
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Justice - (cross)
Rock does not evolve.
It just takes dancey music
and makes it less gay.

The Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
The Arcade Fire stole
my basketball. And also
Bruce Springsteen's manhood.

Caribou - Andorra
I'm from Canada.
Thirty million people and
one fucking reindeer.

Avril Lavigne - The Best Damn Thing
My early twenties;
I'm a married woman now,
I need cheerleaders!

R. Kelly - Double Up
I wish we lived on
a planet where "Sex Planet"
was a hit single

Kanye West - Graduation
If I want my rap
to sound like Daft Punk I will
listen to the Kells

The Field - From Here We Go Sublime
BMP-BMP-BMP-BMP-BMP-
tik-BMP-tik-BMP-tik-BMP-tik
Field? Sewing machine?

Monkey Swallows the Universe – The Casket Letters
We're from Sheffield
and have "monkey" in our name
circumstance is cruel

iLiKETRAiNS – Elegies To Lessons Learnt
WE LIKE HISTORY
AND RECORDING OUR ALBUM
AT DREADFUL LEVELS

Siouxsie - Mantaray
“Where are the banshees?”
you may be asking yourself.
Well, I had them killed.

PJ Harvey – White Chalk
“Where are the guitars?”
you may be asking yourself.
Same place as your balls.

Radiohead – In Rainbows
If you listen close,
on several tracks, you'll hear
Thom Yorke dozing off.

Jay-Z - American Gangster
You nearly gave me
a heart attack with KC.
Not cool, Jay. Not cool.

Britney Spears - Blackout
It is mean that your
handlers give you beats but not
an intervention.

Rilo Kiley - Under the Blacklight
Which is it, netcrits:
Do you want her naked or
not? Don't just fap, clap!

Wilco - Sky Blue Sky
Songs about mowing
lawns? You are trying to break
my heart, Jeff Tweedy.

Patrick Wolf – The Magic Position
Exactly what is
the magic position, Pat?
Spooning glitterballs?

Electrelane – No Shouts No Calls
They live in Gdansk
now; they’re not afraid to sing,
but they can still rock.

Stars Of The Lid – And The Refinement Of Their Decline
.....
.......
.....

A Mountain Of One – Collected Works
You cannot hide your
true hippy nature for long.
Smell the patchouli!

!!! – Myth Takes
! @ £ $ %
^ & ~ ( ) ? ±
Funky nonetheless.

Two Lone Swordsmen – Wrong Meetings
Mister Weatherall,
with these two albums you are
really spoiling us.

Apparat – Walls
Better than Ellen,
but nowhere near as hyped.
Where is the justice?

The Tuss – Rushup Edge
Absolutely not
Aphex Twin; yeah right! It
is Richard really.

Von Sudenfed – Tromatic Reflexxions
“I’m a rhino” eh?
I bet you are, Mr Smith,
techno curmudgeon.

Queens Of The Stone Age – Era Vulgaris
Josh Homme rocks out some
more; unreconstituted
guitars and bitching.

The Good The Bad & The Queen – The Good The Bad & The Queen
Another project
to distract Damon; oh when
will Graham come back?

65daysofstatic – The Destruction Of Small Ideas
Quietly, the most
intense band in the world. Play
it loud, please. Louder!

Acoustic Ladyland – Skinny Grin
Southall pimped it hard,
but not hard enough for Yanks.
Jazz revolution!

Beirut – The Flying Club Cup
Bored of the Balkans
we move to France, and steal their
ideas instead.

Animal Collective – Strawberry Jam
I am terribly
sorry; did we forget you?
Serves you right; gross sleeve.

Broken Social Scene Presents: Kevin Drew – Spirit If
Sounds just like Broken
Social Scene to me; am I
missing something here?

Ash – Twilight of the Innocents
Their best album, and
you ungrateful fucks ignore
it. Out with the old.

Working For A Nuclear Free City – Business Men And Ghosts
Southall pimped it hard,
but not hard enough for Yanks.
Manc revolution!

Spoon – Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
That title is just
dying for me to do this;
Ga ga ga ga ga.

Panda Bear – Person Pitch
You can’t touch the sounds
in this, but that’s fine; earworms
are meant to be vague.

The National – Boxer
It’s a quite good rock
record by a quite good rock
band; fuck the heck hype?!

Björk – Volta
Way better than you
remember, trust me; all those
Icelandic horns; bliss.